


When I'm Gone, Love Me None

by youresoawkward



Series: Can Never Make Him Love Me [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dom/sub Undertones, Dubious Consent, M/M, Overstimulation, Pain Kink, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 04:02:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5077021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youresoawkward/pseuds/youresoawkward
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Zayn?” He can’t believe he’s seeing Zayn in the flesh again, after all these months apart. Liam never thought when Zayn left that their friendship would end too, but he was wrong. Zayn distanced himself so completely from the band–from Liam–that they barely speak. “What’re you doing here?”</p><p>“I just—” Zayn cuts himself off with a shake of his head. “I…” he trails off, his cheeks pinking under Liam’s stare, unable to get his words out. </p><p>“C’mon. Just come in.” He drags Zayn over the threshold, away from prying eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I'm Gone, Love Me None

**Author's Note:**

> this is liam's POV from the first work in this series. this is set in july 2015-ish when 1D and zayn were supposedly both in LA at the same time.
> 
> this part is less smut, more reflection.

The first knock comes quietly. So quietly that Liam’s not sure what he’s heard exactly and the uncertainty has him frozen where he’s leaning against the headboard of the hotel bed, waiting to see if the noise comes again.

The second knock is louder, unmistakably coming from his room’s door. He’s not expecting anyone tonight, so he creeps quietly to the door to look through the peephole. The figure he sees on the other side makes his heart stutter in his chest, and he has to take a steadying, deep breath before he opens the door.

“Zayn?” He can’t believe he’s seeing Zayn in the flesh again, after all these months apart. Liam never thought when Zayn left that their friendship would end too, but he was wrong. Zayn distanced himself so completely from the band– _from Liam_ –that they barely speak. “What’re you doing here?”

“I just—” Zayn cuts himself off with a shake of his head. “I…” he trails off, his cheeks pinking under Liam’s stare, unable to get his words out.

“C’mon. Just come in.” He drags Zayn over the threshold, away from prying eyes.

He needs a drink, a strong one, if he’s going to be able to get through seeing Zayn again after all this time.

He looks fucking good, Zayn does. Liam knew he would. He’s been keeping up on Zayn’s public appearances, figures it’d be impossible not to, so he doesn’t feel too badly about it.

Zayn’s looked nothing but happy and healthy and beautiful in every picture he’s seen of him. Being away from the band, away from Liam, appears to be treating Zayn well. It should make Liam happy to see Zayn so settled, but it doesn’t, and the guilt he feels about that tears him up.

“You want a drink?” Liam asks while only taking out one glass, knowing Zayn will refuse.

“No. I’m fine.”

Liam has to take a calming breath before he turns to look at Zayn. There are so many things he wants to ask him, so many things left unresolved between them. But he’s too much of a coward to ask half of them.

Liam holds his drink close to his chest, between himself and Zayn, like a shield. “Why are you here, Zayn?”

“‘Here’ in LA? Or—”

“Here in my room, Zayn.” He doesn’t have the patience tonight to dance around this. He hasn’t seen Zayn in ages and then he shows up on his door step out of the blue. Liam has no idea what Zayn could want from him at this point that he can’t get from someone else.

Zayn pauses before he answers, like he’s weighing his words, and Zayn’s cautiousness is just one more reminder of how much things have gone to hell between them. “I just wanted to see you is all. I’ve missed you.”

Liam doubts very much that Zayn’s missed him. He’s had zero indication that Zayn has so much as thought about Liam in the past four months. “I’ve been around. You didn’t have to wait ‘til we were in the same city to talk to me.”

“I know. I’ve just been…” _too busy for you_. It hurts, knowing that Zayn’s been able to move on so easily without him, while Liam’s still stuck in the same place. Still wanting Zayn.

“Why are you really here?”

“I need you to touch me,” Zayn breathes out quick, his eyes closing. He says it like it pains him to admit, like he hates himself for wanting this. For wanting _Liam_.

Of all the things he expected to hear from Zayn, it wasn’t this. He thought this was over. It _has_ been over.

Liam sets down his glass and makes his way to Zayn. It’s probably—no, it’s _definitely_ a bad idea, but his legs take him to Zayn without his conscious input. He doesn’t care that he’s likely ripping the scab off his heart that he’s worked so hard to build over the past few months. He just wants Zayn. Wants to be close to him, and to touch him, and to give him anything that he needs.

Zayn is telling him that he needs Liam too, but Liam has to remind himself that it’s not the same.

With Zayn’s eyes closed tight Liam can appreciate the face he hasn’t been able to see in so long, and he drinks in Zayn’s features while he backs them up to the nearest wall. Under his palms, the skin of Zayn’s hips is soft and smooth where Liam’s hands creep under the material of his shirt. It takes everything in Liam to not pull Zayn close and lay tender kisses across his skin.

“Is this what you want?” He knows that gentle caresses aren’t what Zayn’s asking for, but it is what Liam wants so he tries to keep the hopeful tone out of his voice.

When Zayn opens his eyes, they’re wet and shining in the low light of the room, and he shakes his head _no_. “I need you to hurt me. _Liam, please_?” The pleading tone Zayn uses to say his name goes straight to Liam’s dick and the reaction makes guilt sit heavy in his gut. He needs to remember that this is about Zayn, not him.

Liam tells Zayn to strip and he’s quick to obey. Liam wants to stare as the removal of each article of clothing reveals more of Zayn’s smooth skin, but he feels like he’s not allowed, and he resorts to pulling off his own shirt to give his hands something to do.

Liam steps in close when Zayn’s finished, naked and flushed, still soft cock on display. “You sure?”

“Yes. Please just—”

The confirmation is all Liam needs to hear before he scatters slaps and pinches across Zayn’s body. He twists and pulls on Zayn’s nipples until Zayn’s whimpering quietly and trembling from the pain. Liam doesn’t let up until Zayn’s cock is hard and leaking wetness across his belly.

It’s all Liam can do to not lean down to plant kisses onto Zayn’s hot, battered skin. To bite at Zayn’s sharp but delicate collar bones and to trace his tongue over the rapid pulse pumping under the skin of Zayn’s throat.

Putting his mouth on Zayn is a line he won’t let himself cross, because he knows he wouldn’t be able to stop; the need to taste every inch of Zayn’s skin would be overwhelming. He dreams of running his lips over Zayn’s closed eyelids and gently parted lips. He wants to trail his tongue along every knob in Zayn’s spine and taste the musky heat of his entrance. He wants to worship Zayn with his mouth, and to litter his body with sweet kisses instead of biting slaps.

The knowledge that it’s not what Zayn wants with Liam always stops him though; sobers him up when he’s drunk on how much he just _wants_ _Zayn_.

Liam leads Zayn to the bed when he doesn’t think Zayn can hold himself up anymore, and Zayn drapes himself against the down filled hotel pillows. The sight is familiar, a bruise-covered Zayn in his bed. Seeing Zayn like this always makes his heart hurt because Zayn never seems happy afterward. It never feels right.

Once Liam is settled between Zayn’s spread legs he brings his hand to Zayn’s cock for the first time in the night, stroking him firmly while Zayn’s lithe hips thrust up to meet his hand. Zayn’s back is arched and tense, and his thighs tremble like he’s close to coming already, but Liam doesn’t want it to be over yet. He’s gone too long without Zayn in his bed to let him finish this quickly, and even though it’s selfish he stops Zayn’s orgasm with a squeeze to his balls.

Liam drinks Zayn in for a minute, spread out and desperate for his release, muscles twitching under his skin from the tension and the abuse. He runs his hands over Zayn’s flushed skin, trying to commit the moment to memory before this is all over again.

If Liam was a better friend to Zayn he would have asked him ages ago to explain why he needs _this_. But Liam is selfish and the thought of scaring Zayn away and never being able to touch him again made asking too much of a risk.

“Liam. Liam, please, I need you to—” Zayn’s wide-eyed pleas knock Liam out of his reverie and he gives in easily to wrap a hand around Zayn’s cock again. He gives him a few loose pumps and Zayn sucks his bottom lip between his teeth and whimpers at the touch.

Precum collects at Zayn’s tip and Liam thumbs it away. The urge to lift his thumb to his mouth and taste Zayn is almost overwhelming and he digs the tip of his finger harder against Zayn’s slit just to stop himself. When he does, Zayn’s hips jump and he lets out a shout so loud that Liam fears it could be heard in the corridor, more wetness collecting under the pad of Liam’s finger.

 _Fuck_. Zayn’s reaction is a shock and Liam doesn’t really know what to do with the information other than to try pushing his thumb down again and again and bringing his other hand up to pump over the rest of Zayn’s prick. Zayn squirms against the bed, his fingers clenching tightly into the white sheets.

The slick hole of Zayn’s cock stretches slightly to make room for the end of Liam’s finger and the sight is obscene. The stretch is small but Zayn cries out softy from the pain, more slick dribbling out to wet Liam’s thumb. For a moment he wants to take it further, push until Zayn is begging him to stop, but he’s afraid that Zayn wouldn’t ever ask him to.

Words pour from Liam’s lips, too turned on watching Zayn unravel in front of him to care what he’s actually saying, but Zayn is nodding along and moaning at every harsh push against his slit.

Zayn comes, eyes squeezed shut and mouth falling open, and Liam pulls his thumb away to watch Zayn’s cock pulse out thick stripes against his stomach and chest, pumping Zayn through it until he’s too sensitive and pushes Liam’s hand away.

Zayn lays panting before him, relaxed and breathless, and Liam knows he should get up. Maybe collect Zayn’s clothes and get him a towel to wipe himself off with, but he can’t bring himself to leave the heat of Zayn’s body. Not yet. Not before he can indulge himself a bit more.

Liam drags two fingers over Zayn’s skin, collecting his come before he pushes Zayn’s legs back to open him up more. The first swipe over Zayn’s entrance is light, testing, and Zayn opens his eyes slowly.

“Liam? What’re you doin’?” Zayn blinks up at Liam, eyes half-lidded and voice slowed by satiation.

“Gonna make you come again,” Liam tells him.

“No, Li. I can’t. Not now.” Zayn’s protest is weak and Liam ignores it.

“I think you can.” Pressing the tip of his finger against Zayn’s hole, sinking into his tight heat, fucking into him slowly. It’s wrong, taking advantage of Zayn like this. Disobeying his objection just to satisfy Liam’s own needs. Liam pauses his finger, coming to his senses. He’s disappointed in himself and embarrassed by his over eagerness to continue touching Zayn. “Tell me to stop and I will.”

Zayn just bites his lip in response, digging his fingers deeper into the mattress, and body clenching tightly around Liam’s finger. Liam takes his silence as assent.

Liam drags his finger in and out of Zayn, loosening his tight muscle, until he can add a second. He lets himself get lost in the act. Imagining that he’s actually preparing Zayn to be fucked. It’s his favourite fantasy. Imagining the feel of Zayn’s tight heat enveloping his cock and Zayn’s legs wrapped around his hips to pull him close. He’d kiss Zayn slow and thorough, skim his lips against Zayn’s skin, and whisper endearments into his ear just to watch him shiver from the praise.

Zayn’s body opens easily for Liam’s fingers and Liam teases against Zayn’s prostate until Zayn is begging Liam for _more_ , _harder_ , _please_. Liam gives in to him. Fucks his fingers into Zayn until his wrist is sore with it and Zayn is grinding back against Liam’s hand, seeking release.

Zayn comes again with a soft groan, his body vice tight around Liam’s fingers.

After Liam extricates his fingers from Zayn, he leaves him to grab a wet cloth to clean Zayn up. If Liam had his way he would pull Zayn into the shower and help him wash away the night with warm water and the expensive body wash he got in some gift basket. Kiss the sting from Zayn’s skin and wash away the pain. Liam settles for wiping Zayn down as gently as he can manage, careful to avoid roughing up his already tender skin.

Zayn shrinks away from Liam when he brings the cloth between his legs. “Just let me clean you up quick, yeah?”

Zayn lets Liam wipe him off, his hole looking abused and inviting. The sight of it makes his dick throb in his sweats. He shouldn’t be getting off on this, on Zayn looking broken and used. Zayn comes to him because he trusts Liam, or he did once, and Liam has abused that trust countless times by pretending this is something it’s not. Sometimes Liam suspects that Zayn knows how deeply in love Liam is, and that’s why he left.

“All done.” Liam chucks the cloth away and looks back at Zayn. Zayn’s upset, even after all that, his eyes wet with tears, and Liam’s not sure that he’ll ever manage to make him happy. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Zayn tells him, looking his way, eyes roving over the hard line of Liam’s cock. “Want help with that?”

“Nah, man. I’m alright. This was for you.” He tries to adjust his erection, embarrassed by how much he’s obviously turned on. He’s not supposed to be the one getting off on this and he feels like a failure for not keeping his arousal in check.

“Right. Well, thanks then.”

“Zayn—” Liam’s phone rings loudly from the bed side table and the ringtone tells him who’s calling without him having to look. He fumbles for it quickly, something inside of him not wanting Zayn to know who’s on the other end.

He’s not quick enough and he knows Zayn’s seen before he even silences the ring. “You should probably get that,” Zayn says softly and he gets out of bed.

Guilt fills his gut as he answers the call and he’s done so many things tonight to feel guilty about that he can’t pin down exactly which is making his stomach turn.

“Hey, babe.” He keeps his voice low when he answers and leaves Zayn alone in the bedroom to lock himself in the bathroom like the coward he is. He should stay with Zayn and make him talk, make him tell Liam exactly what’s going on with them. He should be trying to save his relationship with his best friend. Instead, he hides. Because even though he’s wanted answers for months, he’s terrified of what those answers will be. He can’t hear Zayn tell him that he doesn’t love him like that. So he’d rather lock himself away and let Zayn walk away from him again.

It’s not long before he hears the hotel room door slam and he knows Zayn’s gone, and this time it feels like it might be for good.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! and please let me know what you think about this 
> 
> [tumblr](http://bisexvalziam.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [tumblr drabbles](http://youresoawkward.tumblr.com/)


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